Life…

I hate night time…yes, I said I was done for a few days but am so sick and scared of repeat performance of last week I am typing and rambling.

Most of you love and care about me so you will indulge.

The pail is right next to my chair and I vomit as I write.

Still the perfectionist, I have to throw up something. Dry heaves are for wussies. I chug down a bottle of water…wait the allotted time and yack it up.

I hate night time because people have this so-called thing called “work” or “jobs”.

Everyone abandons me come 1AM at best.

Nights cause you to reflect….not something I need or am a big fan of doing.

I have taken to watching old movies. “You’re In The Navy Now” is on. Seen it way too many times for someone my age.

Something about old Hollywood that is intriguing.

Gary Cooper was the man. Sometimes I wish I was born back then and feel like I was somehow. No e-mail, texts or faxes. Hell, you even had to call Ethel at the phone company from a dial-up to make a call.

I am probably one of the last of our generation to use an old phone like that from our local general store. Owners were Polish immigrants and hated change. They made a killer sandwich (Laura testify here!) but were mean as hell. Kind of like the “Soup Nazi” from Seinfeld…no soup for you!

If I had any balls I would do myself in when I feel like this.

I love my children too much to do it and I promised Hanna specifically I wouldn’t no matter how bad it hurts.

They have been through more than any child deserves.

Christian sucks it up and gives me shit to drive me even though I know it kills him on the inside.

Hanna cries and breaks my heart every time.

Not what I planned for bringing them into the world. I just want the best for them and know they will have it once I am gone.

I selfishly hang on.

The last week has been great and reminded me of what life is supposed to be.

Hanna coming over and playing Mom….straightening up and making sure I am OK. Going to church so I could commune even though she hates being up that early. My other “daughter”, Jessi, calling and coming over to make sure I am all right against her colossal bitch of a mother’s wishes
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Christian and I eating sushi for lunch. Tell me another 14 year old who know Maguro and Unagi.

Concert with good friends….

Friends who stayed up to chat with me until they passed out during the night.

Friend who thinks to text me first thing when he gets up knowing I am hurting.

I will take the pain for a few days to be alive. I am a blessed man.

Great friends….

This will be the last for a few days…I have done a lot in the last week and while my mind enjoys the body does not agree. I am very blessed to have people who care about me so much that they discard their own pleasure to give me a little.

Am I a jackass still? Yes.

Nobody seems to mind. I thought today that if I died I have done everything. Know what? I haven’t…last night proved that to me.

Life always has another adventure right around the corner. I intend on not missing one.

I will be gone one day but my stories will live on. From old High School days, a kid I coached who emailed me saying he was going to kill himself until I gave him a chance, random crap like taking a leak with Robin Williams or sitting on the stairs at a former Navy Base with Keanu Reeves telling him he has to shave…getting to see an old buddy who is a major star that took an hour out of his night to just hang out. Drive 1,000 miles to see you or take you to a concert…bring over jambalaya for no reason for dinner…great friends.

Life is what you make it. Sometimes it takes a nudge…true friends also know when it is time to back off.

I am not planning on it soon but death is out of my hands. I can only deal with what I have….

A great friend is that- not just good. The basic difference here is that a great friend is lovable whereas just a good friend must prove to be lovable. I would further qualify it as a good friend is a personal (or private) entity whereas a great friend is a global (or public) entity who you can’t wait to tell the world about.

“Joe is a good friend of mine”, whereas it is slightly different to say, “Joe is a great friend”. Thus, a great friend could become anyone’s good friend; but it need not be true vice versa.

A man who has friends must himself be friendly (gentle and not hostile).

“A man with a heart of love will make a great friend.” That is the prerequisite. It’s all about selfless unconditional love.

Wealth makes many friends. Here, the wealth really means ‘shared wealth’ which means, one who is willing to share his wealth will make a good friend. This sets a mark – A man is considered rich not when he has much money, but when he has many friends. “Giving and readily sharing what one has” is a qualifying personality trait for a great friend.

When everything is gone you truly find the “great friend”. That is someone who doesn’t care and just wants you to be happy and it makes them feel good too.

I am lucky to have a lot of these friends. I lost a lot when I got sick and couldn’t do anything for them anymore. My “great” friends jumped out of the woodwork to pick up the slack.

Ironically, they were the ones I probably ignored the most in good times.

Lesson learned.

A great friend loves at all times. Thinks of you when you aren’t even thinking of yourself.

A friend in need is a friend indeed. It is not only money that can be shared. Just your presence at a time of adversity will make a great friend of you. Making oneself available or ‘being there’ is required of a great friend.

Greater love has has nothing than this friend.

Some day, I hope to be a great friend too.

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